Some Wierd Sin: The Remains Of Where Iggy Pop and David Bowie Made “Lust For Life”

October 27, 2009

Hansa Studios, Berlin, Germany. Studio 3.  Oct 21, 2009.  The studio is being demolished and rebuilt with all new equipment and a more modern feel.  The copper in the walls was actually used to block out radio transmissions from the military folks just over yonder at The Berlin Wall. I’ll be posting more photos and other pictures of Hansa later this week at Matadornights.com.

See and download the full gallery on posterous


KaDeWe Department Store (Berlin, Germany)

October 27, 2009


Star Trek In French, As Told By Somebody Who Doesn’t Speak French

October 27, 2009

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I decided to re-run this one from May (originally on my Posterous), with the impending release of Star Trek on DVD. Enjoy (however you say that in French).

Tonight I watched Star Trek in Cahors, France. I was the only person in the theatre during the 18:30 showing. 18:30 means 6:30pm. The film was overdubbed. I do not speak French. Here is my summation of the plot of this fine film:

A big, squidlike clams ship tries to eat another ship that looks like the one at the beginning of the old TV episodes, except it’s groovier and more JJ Abrams-looking. A very mean man (with tribal face tattoos that look like they were designed at a shop called Damage Ink) seems to be behind the whole thing.

The Star Trek ship crashes into the mean ship, but not without the captain sending his pregnant wife off on a smaller ship. She gives birth within sixty seconds in that movie way and they name him via speakerphone. They call him Jeem.

We are introduced to a boy called Spuck. He is being schooled in logic and bunch of numbers that I can’t count to in French. Wynona Ryder, in her much ballyhoo’d return, gives him a talking to. She seems like she always seems in movies: like Wynona Ryder with a costume on.

We learn that Jeem is now a grown up playa with the ladies. He channels W Bush and rampages through some cocktails. His hair looks died orange-brown, possibly with L’Oreal (French!). He meets a girl and they discuss ducks or something, depending on if you trust my translation. A fight ensues during which Jeem decides to grow up. People begin calling him Keerk.

It should be mentioned that characters are yelling at each other in French a lot.

Jeem bangs some green lady. He’s on screen long enough for me to imagine his penis size and guess that he has sixty four chest hairs. There is some kind of mix-up between the green girl and her roommate, which was probably really funny if you saw it in English. I just kept trying to look for continuity issues in green girl’s makeup (none. Way to go JJ).

There is some mishagass in a room with a lot of people. Everyone is assigned to ships. Keerk is given to The Enterprise and boards the ship. I figure out who Sulu is based on his ethnicity, which makes me feel shitty. Bones is obviously Bones. Chekhov is by far the hottest and demands my attention.

Keerk and Spuck are cross with each other, in front of their captain. Spuck has razor burn. Somehow, suddenly, The Enterprise does battle with the clamship. Tattoo Man is up to something involving blood or DNA or big needles. It is Tattoo Man is something called a Voolcan.

The second reel clicks through and I am more confused than a circus clown performing an abortion. Everyone seems to be shouting numbers as Keerk parachutes into a Voolcan outpost, then fights with more Tattoo Men. Sulu shows up in a hot-shit silver number and does Kill Bill battle with the dudes, too.

They succeed in doing something but then something bad happens. Spuck acts logically and many people yell into their wrists. Hot Checkhov saves Keerk and Sulu, who then beam back onto the ship while spooning.

Tattoo Man has captured the old captain and tortures him with holograms of beautiful women, then feeds him a weird scorpion. It is at this point that I realize that no person remaining on the ship seems to be older than 20 years old. Spuck has kicked his razor burn and does the Voolcan pinch on Keerk. The audience claps.

Keerk ends up on a planet of ice with bad CGI monsters attacking him. An older Spuck saves him. A series of flashbacks confuses the English Speaking Audience. There might be something about a time portal. Nothing else makes sense and I start having rude thoughts about Checkhov until this sequence is over.

Keerk and Old Spuck enter some kind of weird warehouse with some character who wears a bomber jacket and appears to be somebody named Scutty. Everyone gets cross with each other. Old Spuck takes off and does the “Live Long and Prosper” thing, which I only understand because of the finger action.

Keerk and Scutty get beamed back to the present day Enterprise. Scotty gets pumped through a water Habitrail. Reel three kicks in as Keerk and Spuck become cross with each other again. Shit goes down, Spuck leaves the bridge in a huff and Keerk becomes captain. Spuck comes back to the bridge and makes up with Keerk. They come close to kissing.

Some kind of plan is devised.

Spuck and Keerk beam into Tattoo Man’s lair. He is not chuffed and everyone becomes cross with each other. Spuck ends up leaving on some ship but only by calling Keerk by his first name, Jeem. They almost kiss again.

Keerk fights Tattoo Man on a set that is about the tenth homage to Jedi. Spuck breaks some necklace-in-the-sky thing with his ship. This pisses off Tattoo Man, who seems to be everywhere at once. Keerk shoots Tattoo Man’s henchman in the nuts and sends him into space. Keerk rescues the old captain, who didn’t die from the scorpion-thing or the holograms. Spuck, Keerk and Captain are beamed safely back to The Enterprise.

A final battle with Tattoo Man and his Clamship ensues and the bad guys are sent into the portal from the other part that I didn’t understand.

The Enterprise almost gets pulled apart but it doesn’t. Everyone seems relieved. Back on land, Spuck meets his older self and gets a talking to. The word logic is bandied about. Spuck nearly tongue-kisses older Spuck.

Keerk gets a medal and looks smug. The crew gets a curtain call on the deck of The Enterprise, in a kind of a gay Broadway way. A sequel is assured. The End.

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Oh, Japanese Signs. You Provide Endless Smiles.

October 24, 2009


Americans Overheard At Dinner (Ko Chang, Thailand)

October 23, 2009

“I don’t know. The Bush thing gets so overplayed.”

“Makes me wish I learned a little Thai before I came. Now I’m here
and everyone speaks English so….” (laughs).

“You just need to chill and realize that they don’t have customer
satisfaction surveys here.”

To the owner: “Your people are like. So cool. I am in awe.”

“My signal keeps going out too. We’re roughing it!”

“I can’t even imagine what Cambodia is like.”

“So I know that we’re near where the Vietnam war was. But was it like,
really close?”.

“That’s hilarious.” (One girl says this 26 times instead of actually laughing).

“It is so, like, I don’t know. They’re actually chopping the
vegetables. How cool is that? It reminds me of Koreatown. Or
something.”

“I just want to take a year of my life and go to like, everywhere.”

“We really have to hit the 7-11 later. I need smokes and Oreos.”

“Like. I don’t know. Like. I just like. Like. I don’t know. Like. Just
like…” (She never gets the sentence off the ground).

“So do you guys have pop songs too?”

“I can totally see eating this for thirty dollars in LA.”

“I wonder how much condoms are here.”

“Isn’t it cute how they say ‘make a party’ instead of ‘have a party?’

“If I had a choice I would totally eat with chopsticks every night”.

“This is such, like, an authentic experience. Just look at these
plastic plates.”

“It’s not like I have a whole new perspective on life. It’s just like,
that I have some perspective.”

“That’s sooooo spicy. Can I have more water?” (I am convinced the
staff double-dosed the chilis and are snickering under their pleasant
smiles).


Have A Coke and A Frown

October 23, 2009

Did anyone else see Coke's new travel-the-world contest?  Here's my take.  The main point:

"We’ve got a planet currently held together by duct tape – is now the time to spend a year running around it like Smurfette, giving kisses to whoever will have them? Or is it the year to expose world poverty, build houses for the homeless, and get together with the world’s thinkers? How exactly are you going to make a person with no water smile? Oh right, you’ll hand them a Coke."


My blog about the creepy Museo De La Policia Federal (Police Museum) in Buenos Aires

October 21, 2009

Buenos Aires' Strangest Museum